Crusher of irreverent comedy and podcasts, grasp storyteller, and the king of all events, Bert Kreischer is a person of many hats—and it will appear, few shirts. There are quite a few issues that maintain “The Machine” working, and considered one of them occurs to be that candy, candy inexperienced (though he prefers his inexperienced in a shade of Blue Dream). We sense he’s down for extra than simply that although as a result of, let’s be actual, what isn’t this man down for?
Touring throughout the nation on The Berty Boy Tour whereas additionally recording his standard podcasts Bertcast and 2 Bears 1 Cave (co-hosted by Tom Segura), Kreischer is partying and puffing the entire approach. Earlier than his stops in Colorado and Canada, this insanely busy bear made time to talk with Excessive Instances about his weed preferences, excessive hobbies, and cringeworthy hashish recollections. Spoiler: You’re gonna need his life.
Excessive Instances: How previous had been you the primary time you smoked weed, and the way did you get it?
Bert Kreischer: I used to be 15 years previous. We went to a pool corridor in West Tampa, [Florida] and we purchased weed from an enormous Native American dude. It’s so humorous as a result of these days, I look again and suppose it was so onerous to get again then. We walked to a pool corridor, and my buddy Sal went in. I don’t even know the way we knew that we might get it from that man. Again then, it was virtually like panning for gold. You go in there like, “Does anybody have weed in right here?” It’s that fucking loopy.
Oh yeah, again then, it was like my good friend’s third cousin stated should you “ask for Earl,” you may get a 40 and a dime bag. So we’d drive an hour away for “Earl.” Do you bear in mind the primary tune that you simply bought excessive to?
Yup! Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb. We deliberate it! We went to my good friend’s home and turned on Pink Floyd as a result of we had been advised that’s what you get excessive to. So, we smoked weed, and I waited for the tune to get higher. All I knew was that the tune was presupposed to get fucking good! I didn’t get excessive the primary time as a result of it didn’t work. Everybody was like, “Yeah, you don’t get excessive your first time. It’s your second time or third time.” My buddy got here in and was like, “It’s my third time, and I’m actually excessive.” I used to be like, “Oh man! I can’t wait till I’m 3 times in!” It’s so loopy as a result of we did all of the stereotype stuff you “ought to” do should you’re smoking weed. It was all stuff somebody’s older brother had finished. My buddy was like, “Hey, if I put this jar over my head, you received’t hear me communicate.” Then, as he pretended to place a jar over his head, he’d cease speaking, and we’d all snort on the dumbest fucking joke as a result of we thought, I suppose, we’re presupposed to snort.
When did your “third time” lastly hit?
I smoked weed a bunch from freshman to sophomore 12 months. It wasn’t till my junior 12 months of highschool that I bought actually fucking excessive. Like, actually excessive the place I had a panic assault and thought, “Oh fuck. This can be a drug.” I used to be like, “Oh shit, it’s working this time. I can’t really feel my face.” We rolled the joint out of the again pages of the bible, and I used to be like, “God’s getting even with me! Fuck!”
Good God. Actually. What’s the very best you’ve been as an grownup, and the way did you get there?
I used to be fairly excessive final evening! There’s a membership in Toronto that you are able to do stand-up at, and Doug Benson advised me, “Write your set down as a result of you’ll neglect your set simply from the contact excessive.” The smoke was so thick that 5 minutes into my set, I used to be excessive, and my throat was burning.
Edibles are the factor that fuck me up essentially the most, although. Joey Diaz gave my dad edibles one Easter, however he didn’t realize it, so I took them too, so he wasn’t excessive by himself. We had the most effective conversations. We had been ingesting whiskey, excessive as fuck sitting in my yard having a cigar. I stated to my dad, “I really feel such as you don’t like me at instances.” He simply goes, excessive as fuck, “You make me uncomfortable.” My dad was excessive as shit, and he goes, “, I misplaced my dad at a younger age and I’m afraid I’m going to lose you as a result of your life-style makes me uncomfortable.” I requested what I might do to repair it and he stated he wished me to go to a heart specialist of his option to have the assessments that he felt like wanted to be run. I used to be like, “In fact! I need a greater relationship with you.” He was like, “That is the best evening ever!” Two weeks later, I went to the heart specialist and had every little thing scanned and examined.
After which did you roll up some weed within the heart specialist report and smoke it?
I ought to have! I ought to’ve been like, thank God marijuana was right here the evening Joey Diaz roofied my dad!
What’s your go-to weed on the highway, and what’s it like when followers convey you any kind of drug nowadays?
After I used to be roofied by Ari Shaffir, I began turning into very skeptical about every little thing. I by no means as soon as thought of it earlier than. Now I’m very particular. I’ve my very own weed, and I’ve a sure pressure that I like, which is Blue Dream. It makes me really feel very comfy. It makes me really feel relaxed, so I can sleep higher too. I even have a pair vape pens in rotation and a few Durban Poison and Jack Herer, a pair strains which might be good artistic ones.
Although I don’t suppose everybody can pull them off, I need to help your ardour for Speedos. Principally as a result of I hear they make you “swim like a fucking dolphin.”
Water is fucking fascinating whenever you’re excessive. I at all times find yourself in a Speedo, excessive, and within the pool each time I get excessive after I’m house. Each fucking time. I find yourself in my Polar Plunge, or I find yourself in my pool—it’s my favourite factor. The primary time I spotted how nice water is whenever you’re excessive was after we had been having a pool celebration, so there have been a bunch of children there. We additionally employed two lifeguards, so everybody felt actually comfy. One of many dads was like, “Hey, you wanna get excessive?” I stated, “Yeah certain, we’ll get excessive.” I simply ended up within the pool taking part in sharks and minnows with the youngsters laughing hysterically like, that is fucking superior! And I used to be in a Speedo, so you realize I used to be like a dart in that water!
I don’t perceive the way you grew to become the good human alive. Your promos? Additionally cool. Do you give you these, or are they a gaggle effort?
I want they had been a gaggle effort! We’ve a drone and it’s actually about turning on the digicam and figuring one thing out. We simply made one for Purple Rocks Amphitheatre in Colorado in the midst of nowhere. I had some ski pants that I simply purchased, and we grabbed the drone to make it appear like I had simply bought finished mountaineering. Purple Rocks goes to be one of the best as a result of they let you know you can both go away the venue proper whenever you get off stage or you’ll be able to hang around. However should you hang around, it’s a must to keep for 3 hours whereas site visitors leaves. Three hours? You get a caterer there and you propose a celebration there! Why wouldn’t you keep in Purple Rocks and celebration? There’s nobody there!
As a result of individuals don’t suppose such as you. Please refer again to “you being the good.”
Yeah, persons are like, “Get me the fuck out of right here,” and I’m like, “Maintain me at this venue!” Final time I did Purple Rocks, we had been having a celebration, and everyone seems to be backstage. Round midnight, nobody is on this venue, so I am going out to the stage with a joint and a cocktail. I lit the joint and sat there and seemed up on the stars and rocks pondering, “Fuck, I simply did this!” It was the best. I’m trying ahead to that second once more after the present.
Any ideas on uninvited celebration crashers?
I’m so unaware of every little thing that’s happening. I performed The Greek [Theatre in Los Angeles], and it was so fucking enjoyable, and the safety was slam-packed. Individuals had been coming as much as the stage to present me joints, and I used to be like, “Yeah! That is nice!” I used to be simply oblivious to all of it and why there was a lot safety. I used to be like, “Don’t cost me for the additional safety! That’s on you!” I additionally suppose should you’re considered one of my followers, and also you come dashing the stage, you’re gonna get winded. For those who do this and get previous safety, simply give me a hug.
This text seems within the August 2022 challenge of Excessive Instances. Subscribe right here.